Heal the wound

Below are lyrics from a Point of Grace song. If I were to make a soundtrack to my life, I would claim this song as my theme song. I cannot begin to articulate the amazing things that the Lord has been doing in my life and in my heart. Big things. I'm not perfect. I have made some stupid decisions and then made them all over again. But thankfully, I am covered by THE BLOOD! The truth of the matter is, if I had to do it all over again, I would probably do things the exact same way. I have learned such incredible lessons through all of the wounds. The proof of the scars left on my life have proven to be just how merciful He is. I am daily striving to be an encouragement to others. I am so excited to see what the Lord has in store for my little 'ole life!!

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in

And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

My Amy.

               One of life’s most difficult challenges and perhaps hardest lessons to learn is that our plans are not always God’s plan. Life as we know it, or expect it to be, sometimes takes a sudden turn and leaves us feeling disappointed and very empty. With the death of my best friend, Amy, I was forced to bare a pain in my heart unlike any I had ever known. One that I found only God could get me through.

                Amy and I always had a good time together. We could be doing the simplest thing and still have the best time because we were doing it together. One of our favorite things to do was watch movies. If it was a sad movie and I got teary eyed, she would pat her lap and say, “Kim, come over here” and she would let me sit on her lap and cry.

                My last moments spent with her are a treasure to me. We had gone to get our nails done and she met me at a store so we could ride together. When we were done and in the car on the way home, I asked her to play a song that was a favorite of ours at the time. Little did I know that would be the last time I would ever hear it with her. As I got out of the car, I just said, “Bye, I’ll see you when I get back from Michigan. I’m sure I’ll talk to you online before I go or something.” She replied with. “Okay, talk to you later.” That night, before I left for Michigan, she called me. She called to say that she was out with her brother getting a milkshake and that she just wanted to call and tell me goodbye. When I look back upon that phone call, I am so grateful that she called me to say goodbye. If she hadn’t, I would have been so angry with myself for not saying goodbye properly.

                When I got the news of her death, I was devastated. The one person that I had spent almost every day with over that summer was gone. There were a couple of things that I was so afraid of when she passed away. I feared that people would just move on and not think about her or talk about her anymore. I was also afraid that she would become less and less a part of my life over time and that her memory would fade away. I have tried over the years to keep her memory fresh. It is the little things that remind me of her most. The smell of warm vanilla sugar will always remind me of her and I will never forget those long arms wrapped around me for a hug.

                It seems as if it was only yesterday that Amy and I were lying outside on the trampoline, looking at the stars, listening to love songs, talking and dreaming about growing up and what the future had in store for us. August will mark the 10 year anniversary of her death. I have experienced so many things, happy and sad, without her.

                The memories and the jokes that we shared will always be with me and with every memory there is a little piece of her still in my heart and in my life. I am so thankful for all of the wonderful memories and time that the Lord allowed me to have with her. 

small world{BIG GOD}.

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. I don't know why I am constantly surprised by Him! The truth of the matter is, 2011 started out like I never imagined but I couldn't be more grateful for each and every second and situation He has brought about. The Lord allowed loss and hurt and at the time, I didn't understand and I'm still in a funk but I have seen HIM in a whole new light. He has remained faithful to me. I am so much closer to Him and more discerning. People will constantly disappoint me, they will always let me down but I have learned from "people" how to be a better person. I am daily striving to be the kind of person I am looking for in friends. Instead of constantly picking everyone else apart and fixing things about others, I'm doing it to myself. I want people in my life that make me a better me and encourage me in my relationship with Christ. Thank-you Jesus for bringing those people in my life!!!

Trust

Without trust, we have nothing. After the week I've had, it's so hard for me to trust anyone. My guard is, once again, up. I had finally gotten to a place where I started trusting people again. Well, that's shattered. How do you know when someone is trustworthy? Should I really trust someone with my heart, with my secrets, and with my life unless they prove otherwise? I am so confused right now and completely vulnerable. I want to think that there are decent people out there that have my best interest at heart but I just don't know what or who to believe anymore...

Life.

                The older that I have become, the more I’ve realized that I am an incredible actress. And by acting I mean, the master of acting like I have it all together, like my life is something to be jealous of and desired. I have appeared to be the girl that has it all. Even my own family has not realized how badly I was hurting inside. The real world is filled with people who are hurting so badly and the misfortune is that no one even realizes just how badly others are hurting. 

                We live in a society that is so self-centered. If you were to stand in line at the grocery store you would see a magazine that is entitled “Self”. That just proves how self-absorbed we have become. It’s all about me. It’s all about doing what makes you feel good. We are too busy looking at ourselves and our problems that we often forget there are others that are hurting just as bad if not worse.

              My ultimate goal for this year is to love God and love people. In order to do that, I'm going to need to take most of the attention off of myself and genuinely be concerned with others. I am blessed beyond belief and if I can just be a listening ear for someone, that's a huge blessing in and of itself! 

New Year. New YOU?!

  It's that time of year again. A new year which ultimately stirs up a myriad of emotions within. One target for a new years resolution is the thought of "what am I going to fix about myself this year?". I know my mentality has been geared that way. But should a new year really constitute a new you? I'm a firm believer in the fact that we are constantly evolving, we never fully arrive, we are in a constant state of change. Do I really want this year to CHANGE me? I want this year to make me a better me. I am who I am and I'm proud of it, irregardless of whether others feel the same.
 God has a funny way of throwing curve balls and lighting a fire under my behind. That's happened a lot lately and it's caused me to take a step back and look at the ugliness that is me. I am by no means perfect or would never even begin to lead you to believe I am close. I am flawed. But I am super excited to see what the Lord has in store for me! That just makes me all the more thankful that the Lord is who HE is.
 So, as far as my new years resolutions go...I've got a list. But I am absolutely thrilled to work through each and every one of them!

Broken.

So, I've never been much of the "blogger" but I've recently rediscovered my love for writing and journaling. I was going through some old books of mine and found some of my journals from years past and saw all that God did in my life and all that He's brought me through. I've never really been into the whole online blog scene but I realized, this is a way for the people in my life that love me and care about me the most to see what the Lord is doing in my life. I've always found that when I start going off course, I stop journaling so, this will also help in keeping me accountable.


God has been doing some incredible things in my life these last couple of months. I've had some really hard lessons to learn but it's all been well worth it. I am so thankful for all that He's been teaching me; it hasn't been easy by any means but I feel like I'll come out of this valley a better me.


I'm going through several Bible studies right now that are all teaching me very different lessons as well as different things about myself. It's hard to look yourself in the eye and exam your heart and see all of ugliness that is you but I think that it's all very good for me. I've lived my life wanting others to poor their lives and energy into me while I give nothing back and that's not what the Christian life is about. Jesus came to serve, not to be served.


I'm going through a book that I've gone through at least, AT LEAST, 5 times; Lady in Waiting. In the waiting periods of a woman's life, we should be cultivating a love relationship with Jesus instead of focusing on finding Mr. Right. In the preface it states, "Lady in Waiting is not about finding the right man, but being the right woman...She recklessly abandons herself to the Lordship of Christ, diligently uses her single days, trusts God with unwavering faith, demonstrates virtue in daily life, loves God with undistracted devotion, stands for physical and emotional purity, lives in security, responds to life with contentment, makes choices based on her convictions, and waits patiently for God to meet her needs." This is the woman that I am DAILY striving to be.


Just as the woman in Mark 14, I am breaking my alabaster box in the presence of the only One that can make my dreams come true. I am giving the Lord all of my selfish hopes, dreams, and desires. It's a new and exciting adventure but I am finding comfort, healing, direction, and purpose for the first time!